I was used to sleeping a lot. That day too I was sound asleep after my mother had fed me. I am not sure if I was dreaming since the very concept of it was not entirely clear to me but what I am sure of is that I could hear people talking loudly. Also, frequently they used to shout together and in one such instance the collective volume rose to so high an octave that I was suddenly wide awake. Lying on her rhythmically tapping lap, I looked up at my mother who hadn’t noticed that I was up. I was getting ready to make my contribution to the din to grab my mom’s attention, but then suddenly over the already existing noise, someone yelled “Fire”. After being momentarily distracted by the shout, I remembered that it was high time I throw a tantrum to summon my mom’s attention. But before I could engage in my second attempt, crackers started bursting and in their clamor, my cries were drowned. As if the sound of the crackers wasn’t enough, the crowd around us also started shouting wildly. All of a sudden, my mother looked at me and I saw that she was wide eyed and in all my days of existence, I had never seen that expression of fear on her face before now. Before I could react she lifted me up in her arms, held me close to her chest, stood up and started running. I saw that everyone else was also running helter-skelter. The crackers continued to explode, people continued shouting and running and amidst all the chaos, I again heard the same distinctive voice yell, “Fire”. At my age which wasn’t yet qualified to be counted in years, I was not very well aware of what exactly fire was but like many other things I had learnt, I was learning the hard way that when you hear the word “Fire”, you should widen your eyes, shout and run amuck. I snapped out of my assimilation exercise on hearing the voice which was the very first voice I had heard when I was born. My mother had now joined in the frenzied yelling but due to close proximity I could clearly decipher that she was calling out loud to my father. She kept yelling his name but to no avail. All this while she had also been running and now she was panting hard and I could hear her heart beating violently against her chest and into my ears. When she stopped running, I turned my head and saw that we had reached a high wall which hordes of people were trying to climb. My mother also started to follow suit but I could see that it was difficult for her not only because of me in her arms but also because others kept pushing her so that they could climb instead. She soon gave up and now started calling out to people who were climbing and held me up to them gesticulating to them to take me along but nobody obliged. I used to hate it when someone other than my parents or grandparents tried to hold me and in such instances I used to vociferously express my displeasure. Now as the occasion again called for it I started wailing. But this time unlike before, neither my mother nor anybody else paid any heed to my cries. She kept moving along the wall which was now fully adorned with people hanging against it, requesting each and everyone to take me with them. One very old man with white flowing beard turned and held out his hand and my mother hurriedly held me up but even before he could touch me, he was forcefully jolted against the wall and then he fell off from the wall leaving a round hole behind marked by a big red splat. My mother yelled again, hugged me tightly and again started running. After a few moments, I could see that she was headed towards a big well. It was very much similar to the one outside my house but the thing different about this well was that I was not pulled away when I tried approach it. Instead my mother herself took me close to it. Not only did she take me close to the well but also gave me my first peek inside. I saw the inside of a well for the first time and was surprised to see me and my mother looking up at me. Before I could take in the vision, my mother turned and again called out my father’s name. I could not see him. All I saw was that many people were still running and many were sleeping on the ground. How could they sleep without the noise of the crackers disturbing them? Yes, the crackers were still bursting relentlessly. Another woman carrying a child was running towards us but before she could reach us she also shook from a jolt and fell down with her child. Before I could see clearly as to what happened next my mother turned back towards the well, climbed its wall and jumped in. Another thing I used to hate was when my mother used to pour water on me every morning and this time it was worse as the water was cold. I could not see or hear anything as there was water in my eyes, ears and all around me. Suddenly my mother who was still clutching me lifted me up above the water. I could see a circle of sky above as if someone had cut away the rest of it. All at once some faces came into the circle and then more people jumped in and water started splashing on my face. Abruptly my mother yelled and I slipped out of her hands and once again there was water in my eyes, ears and nose but this time my mother did not lift me up above the water so that I could see the circle of sky.
I do not remember the date or place of my birth, but the world remembers the date and place of my death. The date was April 13, 1919 and the place - Jallianwallah Bagh, Amritsar.
The sands of time that simmer below my feet
